Candy From a Baby
by ilkkuva
Summary: USUK. Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has /obviously/ never actually /tried/ taking candy from a baby.


**Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.**

**I apologize in advance. I wrote this about three years ago. Blegh.**

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Everyone in the park seemed to be filled with the elating feeling of summer: the birds chirped merrily in their trees, the dogs chased each other giddily and sniffed each other's butts freely, and the giggling of small children rang through the sunny area like a choir, accompanied by the loud and distraught scream that came from a fully grown man sitting under a rather large tree.

_Uhm-wait, rephrase that?_

"Dammit, Alfred! Do you _want_to draw attention to yourself?"

"Shut up! Hey—let go dammit!"

"Ugh, you're such a sodding moron—"

"Let go, let go, let go, let go, _let go!"_

"Don't act like such a _child_—OW!_ Alfred!"_

"Shut it—don't act like—you didn't—deserve it!"

"You didn't have to sexually _harass me!"_

By this time the children had stopped giggling and were being led away by nervous parents, the dogs were hiding behind their owners, and the birds had flown away to chirp somewhere else.

"…This is your entire bloody fault you know?"

This brought on a new batch of insults and screams.

After having been kicked in his family jewels, _yet again,_Arthur sat down on the ground with a groan. "I don't remember teaching you how to kick so hard."

"Bahhh, I learned it on my own, you fucking dick!" Alfred grumbled, nursing a _claw mark_on his neck. "At least I'm not fucking _cat-man!"_

"Oh, shove it," the Brittish nation moaned bitterly, falling back on the grass with a thud. "Honestly. Why won't you just _give it to me?_It's not like you're going to bloody die without it, you baby. It's more likely to _be_ the cause of your death."

"Well, maybe I'd share with you if you'd asked nicely!" Alfred retorted snidely with a sniff, sticking his nose in the air like the 5 year old he probably still was.

Arthur heaved himself with his elbows to look at the other nation in disbelief. "I _did_ask nicely, you damn git."

"Calling me an idiot and pouncing on me for some _fucking chocolate_does _not_count as nice, England!"

"Pshh…" Arthur waved a hand dismissively. "Please. Like you would do any better."

"As a matter of fact, I _would_do better! Instead of trying to violently rip my clothes off—" Arthur sputtered and fell to the ground again with a loud a thud "—I would _nicely_ask, 'Arthur, would you pretty please give me that chocolate so I can rub it all over your body and lick it off?"

By that time England's face was bright red and America was just sitting there with that same, wiseass smirk. "What? You _did_ask how I would do better."

"Not in that way, you bloody pervert!" Arthur gasped out, trying to breathe past his embarrassment and rising temper. "A-am I supposed to have barricade my doors at night now?"

"Hmm…" Alfred tapped his finger to his clean-shaven chin thoughtfully. "Perhaps…"

Arthur scowled. "How did this conversation get turned in that direction _anyway,_America?"

"Oh, I don't know…" Alfred gave another smirk and Arthur felt his heart drop into his stomach. "Maybe it was when you said how sexy I was?"

_"I never said that!"_ Arthur protested, clumsily sitting up once again as he fumed.

"Uh _huh…_well you did in your mind. And I happen to be able to read minds like that weird sparkly vampire…Edmund? Was that his name…? No...it must have been...Eddie? Nah..."

As Alfred started rambling off subject to himself, Arthur took the time to take _deep_and _calming_ breathes.

…Did that mean that Alfred…_was interested in him?_

With that thought he practically had a panic attack, and choked on one of his 'deep, calming breathes', swearing mentally to kill whoever had thought up such a stupid thing like Lamaze breathing.

"…England? Are you okay?"

Arthur flushed in embarrassment, had he really been that conspicuous when he'd choked?

"E-Erm…yes. I'm fine! Geez, didn't know you bloody cared!" Arthur scrambled out, in a rush to make Alfred's clear and _pretty—_normal blue eyes to stop looking at him in that cute, sort of confused way, with his head tilted just right.

"Uhm…alright."

They lapsed into an awkward silence as Arthur struggled with words to say in his mind.

"So…when are you gonna ask nicely?"

Arthur snapped his head up to look at Alfred in surprise. He _still_thought that England was on about that?

"It's 'going to,' you uneducated brat." England responded, crossing his legs and arms while looking away in a pout.

"..."

Arthur faltered for a moment when his rude comment didn't bring around the angry voice he was so used to. Glancing in America's direction, he was surprised to find him staring at him bluntly, even when he knew the Britton _knew_ he was staring.

"W-what? Do I have grass in my hair or something?" Arthur stammered, feeling his face heat up again, in something a bit different than anger.

Alfred blinked, before smirking again (What was with him and smirking today?). "Oh nothing. I was just imagining what you would look like covered in chocolate."

Arthur stood up abruptly. "That's _it!"_he strode over to Alfred with a dangerous look on his face, making the American scoot away a little fearfully, eyes widening at the sudden movement. "That damn chocolate is rotting your brain cells! _Give it to me!"_

Alfred's eyes widened in surprise as England boldly practically straddled him while trying to reach the chocolate bar he'd quickly stashed behind him at the start of the attack.

"D-dude! What the hell?" America shouted/asked as England glared furiously at him.

"Give me the bloody chocolate before I go _mad,_you brat!"

"Too late for that…" Alfred blinked again as Arthur _growled_at him. "Why do you want the chocolate anyway? Are you finally admitting your food sucks?"

"My food doesn't suck!" England yelled; his face now crimson from anger, steam practically rolling off of him. "And just _give me the damn chocolate before I bloody rape you!"_

…

Alfred stared at Arthur in surprise as the Britton realized what he had just said. "I-I mean—eh—why would I—shit—"

"…So do _I_have to make sure I don't get raped in the middle of the night as well?" Alfred asked, the ever-familiar smirk creeping onto his face again as he lounged back with a laugh, throwing his head back. "Oh man…this is fucking hilarious…"

"W-watch your language!" England shouted hypocritically.

"Fine, fine…but only if I get to see _you_covered in chocolate—"

"You're worse than France!"

"No…I'm _better_ than France!"

"Oh shut up!"

One thing was for sure, England was never going to take the quote 'easy as taking candy from a baby' seriously again.

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**Reviews, comments, suggestions, ideas, please?**


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